You must be kidding.
'Must'. And we mean it!
Rich lawyer, poor lawyer and Santa Claus walk down a street, they see a $5 note on the pavement. Who picks it up?
The rich lawyer, the other two don't exist...
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It was going down the road and turned into a field.
Programming is like sex - one mistake and you support it for the rest of your life. http://push.cx/2006/programming-is-like-sex
Or, 'Programming is like sex - it's best done in pairs.'
A man walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a large rubber band around his waist. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
A plate of bacon and eggs walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve breakfast."
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "How much for a beer?" The bartender says: "For you, no charge."
A proton walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender asks, "are you sure you don't want beer?" The proton replies, "I'm positive!"
An atom says to his friend, "Man, I think I've lost an electron." The friend says "Are you sure?" He answers: "I'm positive!"
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- "God," said Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
- "So you would love her."
- "But why did you make her so dumb?"
- "So she would love you."
- A man walks into a bar with a frog.
- Man: "Bartender, will you give me a free drink if the frog orders it?"
- Bartender: "Sure, whatever."
- Man: "Gimmie a beer!"
- Bartender: "The frogs lips didn't move, and yours did. No drink."
- Man: "So, my frog is a ventriloquist!"
Wouldn't a more Zen ending for this joke be
- Frog: "So? I'm a ventriloquist!"
The following are actually riddles, not jokes, but I guess someone thinks they're funny...
- Q: Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
- Q: Why do mermaids wear sea-shells?
- A: Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.
- Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
- A: Nothing. It just let out a little whine.
- Q: What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
- Q: What's brown and sticky?
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who know binary and those who don't.
Related joke: How does a programmer order three beers? By holding up a V sign with two of his fingers.
A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer programmer were each asked to "prove" that all odd numbers are prime.
The mathematician says, "The principle of mathematical induction says that if something is true for the first n, and if being true for n makes that thing true for the next n, then that thing is true for all n. Three is a prime, and that's n. 5 is a prime, and that's the next n, so therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime."
The physicist says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine - let's just throw that one out as experimental error - eleven's a prime, and thirteen's a prime, so empirical evidence suggests that all odd numbers are prime."
The engineer says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime, eleven's a prime, thirteen's a prime, fifteen's a prime..." He goes on for a while until the other three shut him up.
That leaves the computer programmer, who says:
Three's a prime.
Five's a prime.
Seven's a prime.
Seven's a prime.
Seven's a prime...
Call me stupid, but I don't get it.
Loops equaling infinity . . . we're good for that.
Q. What's Irish and sits around outside?
A. Patty O'Furniture.
An Optimist sees a glass that's half full.
A Pessimist sees a glass that's half empty.
An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
Two sausages are in a frying pan. One of them says to the other, "Sheesh, it's getting kinda hot in here!" The other says, "AHH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"
A guy walks into a bar with a goat under one arm and a sheep under the other. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
For those visitors with absolutely no sense of humor: please note that you will occasionally run across a Wiki page with a category marker that has no link and makes little sense. These categories do not actually exist; the tag is just a lame attempt to poke fun at a page. Example: C
Apparently there are those who
really have no sense of humor; those elements wish to delete comments such as this one!
Life (n). A sexually transmitted disease which afflicts some
people more severely than others.
Old programmers never die -- they just get ported to a new system.
Old programmers never die -- they just smell that way.
Somebody put up a "Weight Management" bulletin board in our office. Tired of being nagged, I added a "y" at the end of "weight" while nobody was looking.