What is the difference between a pun and a fart? One is a shift of wit, the other.....
The bun is the highest form of wheat.
Eye doan geddit. --PhlIp
I think that's supposed to be "The pun is the highest form of wit.". Still not funny, sorry. :) --ScottVokes
the other...."is a wift of shit." - Bryson
Some of the puns on this page are worth a groan. For the aficionado there are still more horrible ones in places like the Xanth series ("The magic washing powder ran out. So she had to run out and chase it.") not to mention the CallahansCrosstimeBar
series ("Mick and Mary Finn came in. A sawbuck." [a 'fin' is antiquated slang for a five dollar note; a sawbuck is a ten dollar note. So two fins are a sawbuck. Boooo....]
), as well as the GoonShow
, and even a memorable stinkeroo or two on a Prairie Home Companion.
There was also a radio series "My Word" (um, 1950s? 60s? nah, it's current and you can hear it on NPR in the United States
) which always ended with two comedians each having to come up with a story that explained the origin of some phrase. And, as it happened, the stories were always very absurd and ended with a pun on the phrase in question.
But the height I'd mark was set in in the early eighties by the infamous Australian radio series "Doctor Poo", a 3-minute-per-episode satire on the British TV series DoctorWho
. The eponymous Doctor, a "Time and Toilet Lord", sailed about the universe in his turdis saving the day through the most horrendous puns ever committed by supposedly human beings.
The very worst involved an intervention into the affairs of the nefarious Captain Knee Moss, who kidnapped 10,000 tourists under the pretence of a Freddy Laker cut-priced tour of the south pacific. Powering his submarine by sticking the tourists' legs out through specially gussetted holes in the hull, Knee Moss forced them them paddle across the ocean floor like deep sea galley slaves.
The doctor and his faithful assistant, Dana Sock, recoiled in horror at the laser-beam intensity of Knee Moss's inhumanity: "but that means ... Twenty Thousand Legs Under The Sea!
See also ProgrammingPuns
Depending on your admiration of puns, this page might be better named "Best Pun Ever".
I admire some puns, but not the ones here. In general, a pun in the background or one that fits naturally into a conversation can be excellent. But if you have to have a fifteen minute story where they guy is dragging around a goat for no reason other than telling it not to be a hero at the end, it doesn't belong anywhere other than this page.
These aren't really puns, they're more Shaggy Dog stories.
And the pun pattern where you respond to words ending in "er" with "I Hardly Even Know Her!"
The best reply to a pun is: "That's so punny."
Best? That's my vote for the WorstPunEver, and the one most likely to get you hit. Pun-ished comes as a close second. Use something less formulaic, but use it OnceAndOnlyOnce, that's the rule.
Or is that PunsAndOnlyPuns?
Another good reply is: "You should be drawn and quoted."
Another good one is: "That was only 2/3 of a pun. P.U."
There's a horrible pun on the AstarSearch
He: "What a 'orrible pun!"
She (sobbing): "But it's my only line!"
"We don't retail spirits after 11 o'clock."
"Little Rabbit Fru-fru". Are there any other contenders for the Most Oxygen Wasted Setting Up the Punchline award?
Yes, "Green Golfballs" and "The Little Red Man" come to mind.
"The Squaw on the Hippopotamus hide..." (http://www.silverthornradioclub.thersgb.net/spurious/2002/January/18-01-2002-triangle.htm)
The eleventh pun always gets a laugh, even if no pun in ten did.
Each Nissan, she go! Someone explain, please.
- Hmm, this is a BilingualPun?, counting from one to five in Japanese: ichi, ni, san, shi, go. Others in this category would be "Don't touch my moustache" (doo-itashimashite, you're welcome) and "Eat a ducky mouse" (itadakimasu, said before a meal).
He who has a Tait's is lost.
"This is the new strategy of our IT damagement..." -- FrankGerhardt
"My dog has no nose!..." How does it smell?
"I'm a four point tool eater jaguar."
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
(Long convoluted story centering around Moe Noss and his faithful sidekick Tanto)
The moral of the story? A stolen roan gathers Moe Noss.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are sitting in the study, enjoying a nice quiet evening after having solved a devil of a case. Suddenly, Holmes jumps up, grabs a lemon from the fruit basket, wrestles Watson to the ground and attempts to cram the lemon up his behind!
"Holmes!" shrieks Watson, "why in the Devil's name are you trying to shove a citrus fruit up my bottom?"
To which Holmes calmly replies:
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson - a lemon entry."
Not really, because the expression is "Cor blimey".
- that brings new meanng to the expression "Cor Limey?"***
The thief broke in - with this
Rude olaf the Ted loathes train beer.
Hans as soft as Jervais with wild green hairy-lipped squid '(requires knowledge of UK TV ads, though)''
Two lips from hamster jam.
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Don't let your meat loaf.
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish. (Roll with the changes...)
from the tunefs man page: "Remember, you can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish."
I recently learned from a piano tuner friend of mine that you can
tune a fish -- but only in C.
You can't tune a fish unless it's a bass.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
What do you call a blind stag? No eye deer.
(Best if you are from the New England area of the U.S.)
What do you call a blind stag with no legs? Still no eye deer.
What do you call a blind stag with no legs and no dick? still no f---ing idea.
I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!
Silly Rabbi, thrips are for knids
Silly Babbit, kicks are for Trids.
Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. [... shouldn't get stoned.
Always let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
They left no tern unstoned.
Two obese Patties, special Ross, let us please tickle bunions on the Sesame Street bus.
Who wrote, "To bleat or not to bleat..."? Sheepspeare.
Why did the scarecrow get an an award?
He was out standing in his field
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?
The Australian herbal brew that was discovered to be great for hair care?
Koala Tea, a sure rinse.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis. Oh! oh! oh!
Some people have way
too much time on their hands!!
Well, try this. There's a football (as in, soccer) team in Scotland called Celtic, who are always near the top of the league. And there's another team called Caledonian Thistle, who are always near the bottom. Anyway, one fine day they two teams were playing each other and by a fluke Cally beat Celtic! One newspaper reported this under the headline Super Cally go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious
There is a third rate carnival in town. They are a small outfit and most of the employees had several roles including the fortune-teller, who was also a dwarf billed as the "world's tiniest woman". Apparently she'd had enough of this racket, and ran off with the gate receipts last night. What do you suppose the headline was this morning?
Be on the lookout for a small medium at large?
A local newspaper had a slogan contest a few years back, and the winner was:
[paper name]: a rare medium well done
(The name has been left out since I don't agree with either of the slogan's claims!)
Alternate version: Why is television referred to as a "medium"? Because nothing on it is ever rare or well-done...
-- I think Jack Paar first said that one.
And then there was the news story about the lunatic who sexually assaulted a woman in a laundry before absconding, headline: Nut screws washer and bolts!
Reading all this constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.
Reading it while eating your oatmeal is gruel and unusual punishment
What makes a hormone?
A really bad pun.
"Surely you can't be serious!"
"I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear.
Sleep in heavenly peas.
She was only the farmer's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her.
... but all the horse manure.
-- Some puns are better off said than red.
"I see." said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.
"Torquemada... don't ask him for forgiveness.
Torquemada... don't beg him for mercy.
Let's face it... you can't Torquemada anything." - Mel Brooks (The History of the World)
And now for a word from our sponsor: "Rain" (Dr. Bundolo's Pandemonium Medicine Show)
It's against the law to cross a stately lion with a minah for immortal porpoises.
So is transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises...
The mighty Bill Hicks, on why it was impossible to shoot Kennedy from Oswald's room in the book depository:
"Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside-down from the ledge... surely someone would have seen this. Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, and flew him over the motorcade. You know, there was rumors of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars the night before the assassination. Someone overheard them saying Coup, coup!
Wait...Oswald was pigeon-towed?
A man walked into a bar. He said "Ouch".
Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would duck.
That joke was so corny, it could feed a chicken for five years.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? ....
Worst movie ever (which contained some really really bad puns, though I can't recall any of them at the moment):
(no, I am not making this up!)
Bikini Bimbos in the Avacado Jungle of Death
Don't recall that one, nor does Google.
American comic Bill Mahr starred in it. The title is actually Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.
I see. Maybe MoviesToAvoidAtAllCosts
would be more appropriate for the above (until you can recall some of the puns).
what makes this worse is that "avocado" is the Nahuatl word for "testicle". -- DanUznanski
Is it actually, or do they just call them that after the plant, the way we call the nuts
? It wouldn't be the first time I've seen a word translated as a sexual term, when in fact it was a non-sexual word being used as a euphemism.
On an IRC channel, the conversation between a few of my geekier friends and I somehow came around to the notion of merging a vibrator with an instant messaging service, to produce an "instant massager". One of them made a typo on this phrase, writing "instance massager" instead.
In response to which I remarked that the typo was quite appropriate, given that the entire conversation had been object-oriented. -- KarlKnechtel
Ferdinand Feghoot was a guest of honor at ConJose?
last year. Unfortunently, he was unable to attend the awards banquet, because along the way his Dimensional Extrapolator failed, and when he stepped outside he found himself, not at the convention center as expected, but in a world occupied by numbers.
Feghoot explored his surroundings curiously. Across the street, a 3/4ths played soccer with an attractive young 5/8ths, while a stern-looking 16/25ths watched in silence. Other numbers slid around the area, screeching about fractions that had recently been halved and screaming about friends' plans to exchange common denominators. The cacophony was so deafening that Feghoot had to plug his ears with his index fingers.
In the sudden silence, he noticed the most amazing thing of all: A decimal point rolled down the road, followed first by one three, then another, then another, then another, creating a very long train of .333333333. Indeed, Feghoot realized, the threes continued out to infinity.
Feghoot unplugged his ears, approached the first three, and said, "Greetings! I'm a visitor from another world, and I must say, I find you fascinating. Are repeating decimals such as yourself common here?"
A mouth on the decimal point opened, closed, and opened again. Feghoot thought he heard a distant scratchy cough, but he couldn't make out any words. Then the decimal point tumbled away down the street, followed by its trail of threes.
"My," said Feghoot, "but that was very rude."
The 16/25ths across the street heard him. She shouted, "What more did you expect?"
Feghoot cringed at the noise and plugged his ears again. "I had hoped he would answer my question," he said.
"But he did!" Her five wobbled in anger. "You just couldn't hear him, for he doesn't speak very loudly."
"Why not? All of the rest of you talk with, ah, rather adequate volume."
"Of course we do," she said, "but then everyone knows that fractions speak louder than thirds."
Ahhhh.... Ferdinand Feghoot, my favorite explorer. I've lost my copy of "Through Time and Space" but remember the truly hideous "Great awks from lid allay cairn's groan" -- giff
See the second strip. Absurd Notions is among the funniest things on earth, it really is. -- DanUznanski
I can row a boat, canoe?
Panda: large mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
That would be why the Australian male is like a wombat: eats, roots shoots and leaves...
A doctor from Madrid retired and followed his dream: playing golf for the rest of his life. One day on the links, he noticed that one of the foursome up ahead appeared to be swooning. He ran up to the golfer, who was leaning against his caddie, clutching his chest.
"I think you're having a heart attack!" the doctor said.
"No, it's just some indigestion," gasped the golfer.
"Listen, I used to be a doctor, and you're having the classic symptoms of a heart attack!"
"Just let me be, and I'll be all right."
As it turned out, the golfer was
having a heart attack, and keeled over at the next hole, dead.
The doctor sadly trudged back to the clubhouse, where he related his story to the bartender.
"I told him he was having a heart attack, and he didn't believe me! Why wouldn't he listen?" sobbed the doctor.
The bartender replied, "I know what you mean. I'm from Barcelona, and I used to be a doctor myself. It's like they always say: no one respects the Spanish ex-physician."
Give my big hearts to Maude, Ray. Dismember me for Harold's choir. Tell all the Foys on Sortibackenstrete that I will soon be there."
(Asimov - Death of a Foy)
That one would have been much better in context. Here's another one from an IsaacAsimov
short story, only this time I'm adding some context. A crook, Mr. Stein, steals some money and uses a time machine to travel into the future, arriving one day after the statute of limitations expires. He is arrested and the prosecutor and defense attorney argue the case before a judge. The judge's ruling reads, in full, "A niche in time saves Stein." (Asimov told it better than I just did, only he used far more words.)
He had another one about a planetary dictator who was looking for an anthem. He held a feast to try to decide upon a properly glorious one. Unfortunately, the crowd got overexcited and a sumptuous eel dish ended up dumped on the ground. It was at that instant that he knew he should adopt the French national anthem "La Marseillaise" as his own, because after all, the mob had brought about the fall of the best eel...
A third involved a bunch of spacers discussing their pets/mascots. Somehow they settle on a race to see who's is the fastest, and Sloane enters his pet rock, Teddy. Bets are made and the race is off. All of the creatures are wriggling/sliding/whatevering down to the other end of the track, but Teddy just sits there. But at the last possible moment, the rock suddenly teleports and appears across the finish line ahead of everyone else. Sloane's Teddy wins the race.
Original phrases: The saying “a stitch in time saves nine”. The historical event “fall of the Bastille”. The saying “slow and steady wins the race”.
A baby seal walks into a club.
A vulture boards the 737 with a dead rabbit under one wing and a dead coyote under the other. The flight attendant comes up to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you are only allowed one carrion."
Warning: Incorrigible punster. Do not incorrige.
Seen on Licence Plate: PUN GENT
Semper ubi sub ubi.
A meaningless phrase seemingly in Latin. When translated literally into English, it becomes: Always where under where.
One time I accidentally tried to walk through a screen door. I strained myself.
A man goes to see his doctor, complaining that whenever he passes gas, it says "Honda."
The doctor says, "Hmm, let me look," and proceeds to scope the man.
"Aha!" proclaims the doctor. "I see the problem. You have an abscess on your colon."
"An abscess?" asks the man. "What should I do?"
"Why, nothing at all," says the doctor. "Everybody knows that abscess makes the fart go 'Honda.'"
A man went into a bar and asked the bartender for a glass of his licorice-flavored aperitif. The bartender advised against it, but the man insisted. The bartender just shook his head as the man finished his drink, complained about really needing to pass some gas and then ran outside. While he was gone, it sounded as though someone yelled the word "HONDA". When the man returned, the bartender handed him the bottle, said that he had tried to warn him and then pointed to the warning on the label, "Absinthe makes the fart go Honda".
The gynecologist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Newspaper left as a doormat: These are The Times
that dry men's soles.
A little purple man went outside. He saw a little purple bank. He went inside, took his little purple gun and approached the little purple banker. The little purple banker gave the little purple man the little purple money.
The little purple man ran outside. There were little purple police everywhere. The little purple policeman put the little purple cuffs on the little purple man and put him in the little purple van.
See also: RulesOfGeelf